When You Wonder, Does God Really Know What I'm Going Through?
That week of May seven years ago brought a mixed bag of emotions. Divorced for one year, I was looking forward to attending a women’s conference that week, for encouragement. It turned out to be a week I wouldn’t forget.
It started out awful. Painful, sad memories attached to a date I hoped would soon be just a day like any other – not a reminder of that…
Then I received some news concerning finances, challenging me to stop relying on someone I had no business relying on anymore. God seemed to be hammering this point out in my life. I’d felt it coming and had even begun a few months prior to taking steps to not be reliant anymore. But now I had two weeks until rent was due, four months left in my lease, and no way to pay it. I didn’t know what I was going to do.
As an enneagram 6, with a high need for security, this was a devastating blow. I felt hopeless. I would wake up wide-eyed with my heart racing. Fear and panic took over. The overwhelm almost shut me down. Almost.
But it’s there, just enough fight left inside of me, that I can’t give up. Giving up isn’t in me.
That Thursday night I talked to God about what was going on. As I headed to bed, I told God, “I just need to know that You know what’s going on down here.” I had no more answers. I was emotionally drained and empty. I didn’t ask him to fix it, I just needed to know that He knew.
I woke on Friday morning, looking forward to the conference that night. A friend texted, asking how she could pray for me. I responded, “Pray that I continually hear ‘I know from the Lord.” Then I went to work.
I showed up for the women’s conference, where Bianca Olthoff was speaking. If you know me at all, you know that I take notes. Lots of notes. But on this night, I wasn’t writing at all. I was stuck in my head, overthinking.
Then, with maybe fifteen minutes left, Bianca started spelling out the word “KNOW.”
Stunned, I sat forward in my seat, hanging on her next words.
“He knows,” she said. “You need to hear this, from Him. He says, ‘I know!’”
Ok…one more time, just for good measure…
Toni, are you listening?
Again, Bianca says, “HE KNOWS!”
I’m positive there were more statements in between the “I know’s,” but that’s all I heard, over and over. Specifically for me.
Later, I had the chance to share a table with Bianca, and I told her my story, thanking her for being the deliverer of this personal message. She graciously listened, as big tears brimmed my eyes, and said, “I spelled it out for you!”
After the conference, there was a package left for me in the office of my apartment building. It appeared to be a gift, with tissue paper and everything. I had no idea what was going on.
When I got inside my apartment, I opened it and found a note and a rock that said, “He Knows.” The note said that my rent was paid through the end of my lease. I only asked Him to tell me that He knew what was going on, and He provided more than I could ever have imagined or hoped for.
I’m not sure what you need to know today, but I’m certain to my core, that He knows.
Maybe you need some confirmation on your next steps, or maybe some rumors that have haunted you need to be put to rest, or maybe you need restoration with a spouse or child or parent.
He knows. He knows it all, even when you think He doesn’t.